Too often do we run into words that attempt to teach us how to “Drive Your Partner Wild!”, or claim to know the “Biggest Secret of Turn-Ons.”
While some of the advice given can be informative, there is also a pervasive message telling us that frequent sexual activity equates to lasting relationships. But we know that isn’t true. Sex, that is, good sex is as varied as the people on the planet. Every sexual connection is different and wholly dependent upon the people sharing themselves with each other. The major key for a happy sex life is honest communication with all parties involved, no matter how many partners you have. Let’s be consenting and communicative adults, ok?
1. So, you “think” you know? Drop that
When it comes to sex frequency or how the act should look in the
bedroom there is no “normal.” No statistic or licensed therapist that
can truly give you a flawless formula for a great sex life. Some people engage
in sexual activity three times a week. Others may only get down once a week.
Every couple has their own pace, and it’s up to the two of you to figure
out what makes you comfortable. Discussing your own views and expectations
of healthy frequency is a great communication exercise. Keep in mind that
the desire for sex ebbs and flows between partners over time due to a multitude
of outside factors such as work, bills, hormones, family issues and illness. Before
you go any further, throw out societal expectations of what your sex life should be.
2. Express yourself: needs and desires
So often, the idea of sparking up a genuine conversation about sex gets glossed over. Again, we’re taught through media and patterns to surprise our partner with dirty talk or a new technique, which may or may not always end well. And while this method can spark a conversation about your wants and needs, a more direct way to avoid some of those uncomfortable moments is to ask questions. Take the time to talk to your partner about preferences and sexual fantasies and be willing to share your own. Don’t expect to agree on everything, and keep an open mind. This will not change things overnight, but once a safe space has been created for talking about sexual exploration, it can flourish into more insights and action, eventually.
3. Explore
Once you’ve gotten over the hurdle of starting the conversation and have discussed ways to step up your current sexy-time routine, do some research together! May it be the books of Anaïs Nin, a customized copy of the Kama Sutra for to find some inspiration for new positions. There are even those comprehensive guides to pleasure. Take a tour to a local lingerie or sex toy shop in your area. If you’re not too nervous, ask some questions and let them guide you around the store. Find online communities that cater to very specific activities you might be interested in, or more general shops that can ship whatever you want right to your door.
4. Forget the end
Orgasms are regarded as an exclamation point — the “ultimate goal” of sexual encounters. But if you’re really approaching your sex life with the sole focus of getting off, then you are possibly missing out on quality intimacy. Orgasm is not the single marker of good sex. Much like life, we should enjoy the journey rather than the destination. So, next time—rather than hunting tirelessly for the sweet spot —focus on enjoying the body: build trust through touch. Study the erogenous zones, and explore sensitive areas on the skin. During foreplay try covering up one of the senses or restrict limb movement and pay close attention to how it makes you feel. You want this to be an enjoyable experience for the both of you so pay attention to your partner’s non-verbal cues and body language. Get rid of the pressure to get each other to climax, and enjoy the process of discovering other ways to engage in foreplay. You’ll be surprised with the findings.
5. It’s all about having fun!
Please, if you’re not having fun in all of this, then you’re doing it wrong. Remember: you’re only human and will make mistakes. Some of the things you try will not be as great as you had imagined (consider the sticky after-effects of using whipped cream or chocolate syrup), but you will learn to be even more comfortable with each other. One of you may cough, sneeze or pass gas at a really inopportune moment, and you have to be willing to laugh through it. Sex can be seen as a very special and sacred way for people to share themselves, but it is meant to be enjoyed and explored together, above all. So, get your hands (and minds) spicy; get down with your hungry selves.
Enhancing your sex life isn’t just about finding new toys or interesting positions, but about finding new ways to connect and relate on a more intimate level. Drop any expectations except that couples respect each other’s boundaries and practice safe sex. Ultimately, learning to communicate your desires can bring you closer in every aspect of your relationship.
Even if it goes no farther than having open conversations about sex, it is still a great improvement in your ability to be more genuine with the one you care about. It would be a disfavour to yourselves to isolate the benefits of great human communication to just the Saturday Night’s bedroom affaires.
**This text does not reflect, necessarily, ApartadoX opinion.
